DEAR GOD, PLEASE TOSS THE WORD SALAD

LinkedIn is the home of word salad. A 39 year-old account director posts: So Stoked To Be Building A Collaborative Cross Referencing Platform of Opportunity For Applications Across The Entire Digital Spectrum.

Ok.

There is not enough pot in the world to make that one make sense. There is nothing wrong with your computer. It’s just the sudden rise of the thesaurus that is the steroid shot that aphorisms and quips were never meant to have. Take a simple use of language on a page that describes what you do: Creative Director. Yeah, you direct the creative effort.

But no.

That’s not enough on LinkedIn. Forget that your whole life you have been a creative director. But on LinkedIn, you’re more than that. You’re Curating a Safe Space Where Ideas Can Thrive And Multiply. Where Rapidly Changing Markets Can be Conquered With Evolving Brands on the Fly. You’re Planting Ideas Seeds In an Idea Garden.

OK. Go ahead, step outside and vomit in your mouth a little. Anyway, that is what has come of this fucking shit business.

The moneys all gone and the food is not good for you and there is like no sex outside of marriage at an agency anymore.

While you’re Enhancing Brand Reputation, everyone the fuck else is trying to sell something to someone who can barely afford it. It was funny when the United States Air Force used the tagline Cross Into The Blue. This is a company that takes a shit load of tax dollars and basically breaks shit badly and burns it to smoldering ruins. Cross into the blue doesn’t quite capture the terror of your last seconds on earth watching the lower half of your body flying off into the distance. Or watching a building that stood for centuries fall into its own footprint.

Bullshit language is the problem with advertising. Because it’s goal is not to tell you the truth. You can put any two words together and someone on Madison Avenue thinks it’s catchy. Your teeth aren’t just white, they’re shining. Try Tooth Squint. Get those teeth sparkling white.

That is why this agency will not accept another piece of shit account that doesn’t speak regular English with words under three syllables.

(Let’s be perfectly clear about this. If you have an account and it requires technical language, we have an Associate Creative Director with a Bachelor’s in English. So we got ya covered. And if you have a reasonable budget, we speak what ever language is required).

I HATE ADVERTISING. PLEASE GIVE ME YOUR BUSINESS.

Creative Director